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Outlaws Dominate in Wesley Clan Tournament
Outlaws Dominate in Wesley Clan Tournament
Clan Elders Left Shaken After Stunning Defeat: “We even filled out the entire bracket this year.”
In a shocking upset that has rocked the very foundations of the Wesley Clan Bracket tradition, the Outlaws have emerged victorious, collectively outscoring the core Wesley family 929 to 864—even if they did have one more entry. Clan elders are reportedly “concerned” and “mildly offended,” though not enough to cancel Thanksgiving at Patty and Garry's next year.
UglyWhiteBoyHook, the 2022 champion (who now competes under the name Go-Rilla for "career reasons"), had little insight into the collapse.
“I don’t know what happened,” he said, still holding a printout of his busted bracket. “I picked good God fearing schools [TCU & St. John's], and I thought changing the name might bring back the heat—like channeling beast mode. Instead, I finished behind Carolini, who probably made her picks last-minute during Charlie O’s karaoke night. At least I beat the 'is it a Cat' Team, though. Small victories.”
But not everyone could say the same.
“This bracket used to mean something,” cried RobWhite5224299, openly weeping beside his honorary 2024 Women’s Bracket trophy. “Now a Hozer wins, we’ve got two Blackmans and a Canadian in the top five, and the Whites couldn’t even beat someone who made picks by asking, ‘Is it a cat?’ The Whites have fallen. But we will be back. And we will be great again... Wait. Hold on, I'm replaying what I just said back in my head and I don't think any of that came out right.”
Meanwhile, team captain of the outlaws Jennifer ‘Amma-Mamma’, who won the Women’s bracket with a commanding UConn pick, addressed the Wesley's at a family press conference held in her driveway.
“Of course the UConn Huskies won. My gut never lies, and my b*tches don’t lose—especially not to a bunch of c*cks from South Carolina.”
A flustered Loudon Community TV reporter gently reminded her that she was live on air.
“This isn’t just about basketball. This is about legacy."
“This isn’t just about basketball. This is about legacy."
-Carolini, who picked Iowa State to win it all.
-Carolini, who picked Iowa State to win it all.
One of the tournament’s biggest heartbreaks came from Chasbo21, who placed 6th despite leading all pickers in bracket enthusiasm.
“I thought Gonzaga had it,” he said, shaking his head. “Say it with me: GONZAGA. It’s a fun name. Everyone likes saying it. Pepperdine is fun to say too. Not like ‘Brigham Young.’ Try saying it. It just feels...unsatisfying.”
Two-time winner Patty nodded solemnly. “Charles is correct. Nobody really likes the Mormons right? I guess their Jesus is from Vermont, so that's good. Who I am I kidding I like everybody.”
Elsewhere, a sleep-deprived Lincoln seemed blissfully unaware of the tournament’s conclusion.
“I think I still have a shot,” he muttered, staring at a half-completed bracket from the second round.
Defending champion CanadianPotus, the unofficial Clan ambassador of polite aggression, was surprisingly zen about losing the crown.
“Honestly, I wasn’t paying attention. Tim Cummings roped me into his high-stakes badminton madness pool again. Now I owe him the pink slip to my Rav4.”
Nathan, trying to keep peace in the household, said quietly, “I love my wife regardless of how stupid her family is.”
Then quickly added, “You’re not going to print that, right?”
And as for Casey Hozer, this year’s champion?
"Honestly, it really wasn't that hard to win."
High stakes badminton madness
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